so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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