I CAN MOONWALK!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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