i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
