dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
