I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
