the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
