I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
