i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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