When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Of course I have a pirate flag
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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