oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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