Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
