Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
