My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
