I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
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We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
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I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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