What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
