Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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