When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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