what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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