I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
