I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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