News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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