The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
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I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
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Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.