What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch