i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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