Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
