I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
two words: eviction party
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
