Responsibility does not care about your dick.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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