i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My bed smells like the plague
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
