can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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