New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Can I color on your dick again?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
