Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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