i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
