his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
