remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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