My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
