the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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