I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
