Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
