i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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