dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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