mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
