Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
