miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
