is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
