Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
