i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
