She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
