i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My life is pants optional.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
