He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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