I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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