Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
