i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
