I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
