I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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