i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i think i have two assholes
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
