My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
